The game of food songs isn’t just for kids. Vegetarians, vegans, health food advocates, and animal rights activists might do well to study this menu with caution. Take heart in the fact that not all pursuits of wild edibles are satisfied. And don’t expect to be filled up with every word of these tracks, some of the food mentions might be fleeting, and many of the calories empty.
A Chip That Sells Millions – Bressa Creeting Cake
Starting strong, with a songwriter who has contributed much to the field of food songs. Counting a band member called “Edmund Cake” among your musicians may make it unsurprising for Bressa Creeting Cake to appear on this list. In the beguilingly slinky ‘A Chip That Sells Millions’, Ed asks that you call him “The Snack Man, Prince of the Sprinkles”, due to his penchant for “coat[ing his] sandwich with jelly crystals …”
“I dig the flavours / Dad’s been creating / all of them salty / there’s no debating / the factory will sell them / for use on some corn snacks / He will be famous / I will be / the most popular boy at school … Selling sachets of shit to my friends…”
Anything that tastes this artificially good can’t be good for you, and sure enough, cravings overwhelm: “I got them addicted / to powder that’s meant for / a chip that sells millions …” (Also try Bressa Creeting Cake’s funky gas-station pie song ‘Superstation‘)
Never Mention Eyes – Pie Warmer
Pie Warmer get extra points in this game for mentioning both food and a food storage receptacle in their band name. The album this track comes from (The Fearsome Feeling) is essentially a recorded document of a breakdown Ed Cake suffered in the early 2000s, with the songs written during his treatment and recovery. The intonation on this cut is ominous: “Never mention pork, never mention puha, never mention eyes …”
Other things you should never mention include wine, which is not strictly food (even if it does have grapes in it). But it could also make this song a contender for an alcoholic beverages-based song list. You can find something close to that at AudioCulture’s 10 Songs About Drinking.
Watermelon – Levity Beet
Like Pie Warmer, Levity Beet wins extra points in this game because one half of his name for eating. Don’t let the fact that only a single fruit is namechecked in the title fool you into believing that’s all the food you’ll be getting. After all (once the rap kicks in, following the set-up of a super-tropical vibe), “Dad’s in the garden, peeing on a lemon tree …”
You might want to wash those lemons first. There are also beans and peas to be had, and the excellent foody rhyme: “Make me a gingerbread house to dwell in / but I’ll give it all away for a yummy watermelon!”
Born Nick Hollis, Levity Beet is a Tākaka based musician who has won the APRA Children’s Song of the Year award three times, and been the Tūī Children’s Musician of the Year twice.
A Spicy Curry or a Chicken Kebab – Koizilla
Dunedin psych-rockers Koizilla use curry and mindless television viewing as an excuse to do whatever the hell they want with their instruments and vocal breaks, and the results are utterly delicious. Still, I’m pretty sure none of it bodes well for that “cute baby sheep”. Let’s not overlook, either, the first syllable of this band’s Avatar-inspired name. While not typically eaten, koi carp certainly can be.
Fish and Chips Song – Claudia Mushin
Someone very keen to be taken to the shop – the fish and chips shop, that is – was future award-winning children’s book author/illustrator, young Steve Mushin. His mum, teacher Claudia Mushin, was inspired to jot down his begging for posterity. Claudia was an icon in her Miramar neighbourhood, but – upon her death in 2024, aged 78 – remained largely unknown further afield. The song that ought to have ensured her recognition in the firmament of New Zealand children’s music six seconds in – when that steel-drum calypso beat hits – anyone still standing will be swaying along as they pick up the lyrics: “I like green bananas and pink ice cream / Wobbly jelly makes me scream / Mum’s hamburgers are pretty cool / But I like fish and chips best of all …”
Sung by a cast of children, this school-hall classic was one of three songs Mushin wrote for the Kiwi Kidsongs albums. Controversially, the song was briefly banned, after an overzealous parent decided it was a bad influence on her own child’s culinary desires. The Ministry of Education initially capitulated, and it took a Fair Go investigation to have it reinstated to its rightful place on a 2000 compilation featuring the best Kiwi Kidsongs tracks.
AFFCO – Skeptics
Speaking of banned songs (or their videos, at least) leads us to The Skeptics infamous ‘AFFCO’: “We are the meat packers / We pack meat! …”
David D’Ath howls, over alarm-toned keyboards, while the rest of the band makes a mighty fist of sounding like a factory floor in action. Director Stuart Page ingeniously syncs confronting meatworks footage – carcass saws, captive bolt pistols, and other instruments of the kill in action – with the grinding industrial mayhem of the song. D’Ath himself is presented like a side of meat, writhing and grimacing while wrapped in “bloody” Gladwrap (a production cohort worked at the cling-film factory).
The video certainly did a great job of converting me and many of my friends to a life less meaty when it screened on the final episode of Radio With Pictures. It was subsequently banned by TVNZ, but too late. Any music fan worth their snacks had recorded the show on VCR, and turned the song into an unpleasant late night viewing classic.
Toheroa Twist – Dave Hollis
Luckier than the ‘AFFCO’ sheep, the prey of this song manage to elude their killers’ grasping toes. Although Dave Hollis had success making music for the older set, he was also an accomplished children’s entertainer, appearing several times on Nice One [Stu]. He wrote many songs about New Zealand animals – some, in this case, potentially edible (or so the local fishmonger clearly reckons): “And there’s a truck, from the fisherman’s shop / But … he’s leaving, yes he’s leaving / Sick and tired of digging / He’s never dug a toheroa out.” This infectiously danceable number’s lyrics were published in a School Journal. (Also try Hollis’s ‘A Tremulous Tamarillo’.) Fun fact: Dave Hollis was the uncle of Nick Hollis, aka Levity Beet.
Mrs Heather Fiddly Widdly Bum’s Songs About Veges – Anika Moa
With her excellent series of Songs for Bubbas albums, Anika Moa proved she had a song for practically any parental challenge, including making veggies attractive. “This is the song for the love of your life / who won’t eat their greens / cause you trouble and striiiiiiife …”
If you’ve ever had food thrown in your face, Moa’s mischievous vegetable origin story stories and methods of delivering them could be a lifesaver. What child could resist, for example, the idea that ... “Beans, beans, beans / Those skinny and slender things / We use them as rope when we’re climbing rocks / To keep away monsters, shove beans in your socks …”
Yummy Colours – Chris Lam Sam and Jackie Clarke
It would be easier to mention the fruits and vegetables not mentioned in this song than to list the copious amounts that are; but I had to take Chris Lam Sam’s advice about one item on the list. “Black apple? Google that one if it puts you in a flapple..”
I actually did, and learned something. (It’s a black diamond apple, and kinda hard to get your hands on). That wasn’t the only way Lam Sam found to diversify his palate either, although the next example is not recommended for human consumption: “It’s a smelly, stinky, yucky, icky, squishy, squashy, mouldy blue orange!”
Gross! Let’s concentrate instead on the gorgeous instrumental arrangement: lovely, loose-limbed drums, thumping bass, and Jackie Clarke’s soulful back-up vocals. Yummy indeed.
Baked Beans – Mother Goose
I’m saving this classic for last, so I can leave the refrain “Baked beans, hot baked beans…” hot and steaming in your ears. The lyric describes the Mother Goose singer’s initially thwarted attempts to pick up a grocery store clerk. When mentioning his band role doesn’t work, he has a surefire back-up line: “‘How about we go back to your pad for some baked beans on toast?’ Never fails.”
And it didn’t fail. Director David Harry Baldock, in his much-loved video, ensures there are plenty of baked beans for the whole band, who soon end up in what becomes the marital bed. I’ll close by pointing out that this song’s release label – Mushroom – also references an edible.